I have recently been through a big operation. After months of trying everything I possibly can to prevent it I was left with little options and had to make the big choice preventing permanent nerve damage and possible paralysis.
During the week leading up to the operation I spent most of my time researching and focussing on the procedure. Some people like to know little about what happens in the theatre room and then there is me. For me to stay calm I want to know exactly what is going to happen. One of our friends deals with this on a daily basis and I had him lay it all out on the table. He even showed me photo’s of the procedure during and after theatre.
I imagined myself going through each of them. Saying goodbye to my kids the night before. Bring admitted in the ward. Doing the pre-op, getting anaesthesia which for me is one of the things I was most scared of. I guess it’s because after that I cannot see whats happening to my body anymore. I remembered that I was soul and body and saw myself as in my soul from watching how I was being operated on. I know it sounds a bit extreme but for me it made me feel more relaxed. Then I imagined myself waking up. Feeling drowsy and disoriented but realising that I was still alive and had made it through. Then, I imagined feeling my toes which meant I was not paralyzed and seeing my loved ones I felt great and strong. I imagined the worst possible pain in High Care and dealing with all the injections and whatever else they could throw at me. I prayed and prayed and had lots of people praying for me.
The day of the operation I felt great, I was not scared at all and went through each stage exactly as I had imagined it. It was as if my mind had already gone through this and all the uncertainty was gone. I even joked in theatre that it looked nicer than I possibly imagined.
When I woke up after the operation. I remembered my steps. I thanked God that I was alive, I felt my feet and both could move. I started to feel a wee bit nauseous and reminded myself that it was not like this in my imagination and I immediately started to feel better. I met my family and everyone was astonished at how awake and good I looked. I was released from hospital in three days and came home in good spirits.
But suddenly there was a shift. I started to feel bad real quickly. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I could not lay, sit, walk or stand. I had nausea all the time and struggled to eat. I struggled to take my pain medication because I could not eat. I became emotional and was lying and shaking due to the pain and discomfort.
I became angry. Questioning God why He could bring me this far and then just leave me. I became angry at myself for being so weak. Suddenly, I was reminded by God that He is always there for us and with us. It was me who had forgotten about Him and that was why I felt alone and weak. All my energy was focussed on the operation itself and none on the recovery, which they say is the most important.
So here I am. Focussing on recovery, on being pain-free, on bring relaxed and enjoying the time in bed instead of wishing I could help with chores. I see myself getting stronger each day, being able to eat and walk a little longer untill I am stronger than before.
Sometimes when we are at our weakest we need to remember that the body is controlled by the mind and the other way around. To promote healing we need to give it all to God and take control of our mind. Only then can we conquer it all.